I’ve been trying to write this for hours. But I couldn’t find the words to say. Somehow I managed to find them. A lot more than I thought I would.

Today (although let’s be real, this entire year) has been one hell of an emotional roller-coaster. And anyone who knows me knows that I don’t handle emotions well, or most would say, at all.

IMG_0515Last month Bella, my mom’s (and my, let’s be honest) dog had a 1.5 pound tumor removed from her intestines. It was cancerous and there was always a possibility that the cancer was not contained to just that mass. She survived the surgery, came home, got all the love in the world, and was ultimately diagnosed with lymphoma. A blood cancer that makes all lymph nodes swell and is very uncomfortable. We had choices to make. Give her medication to make her feel better but only for a short time or start her on chemotherapy and prolong her life.

After much consultation we went the chemotherapy route. You’re never sure what you’re going to do about a thing until it’s staring you in the face. My policy is and always has been – assure that your pet is not in pain. The difference in the choices here came down to one simple thing. Money. Luckily we were able to choose one route or the other. My heart hurts for those who cannot afford to do so.

Bella had one mild treatment and took it very well. She was happy and her appetite was as it always had been – feed me all the things all the time. Today, as she was meant to be getting her second treatment, she took a turn for the worst. Ultrasounds were taken. More masses were found. Cancer sucks ass and our baby girl has gone wherever it is you go when this ugly disease takes you away.

Bella is and was sweet, loving, funny and fun. She kept my mom company, followed her around as a puppy does, and kept her as sane as possible when life threw fastballs aimed straight at her head. She brought joy into my life constantly. She turned circles when she knew she was getting a treat, turned her head away like any good diva does when they don’t want their picture taken. Her constant affection all the way till the end is what I will cherish most. I am still having trouble believing her dog door isn’t going to flap against its metal casing and she won’t come bounding in here anymore.

This, added to the steady decline of my grandmother’s mind (which I have been coming to terms with for months), the death of people I admire but didn’t know at all (Prince, David Bowie and Glenn Frey. Are you serious??) and the constant barrage of madness in the news (fuck this election) makes me feel at odds with what I’m about to say next.

Today we put a deposit on a 2016 Ford Explorer XLT MXV (the MXV means it has been modified for people with disabilities – like me).

Want to know what that looks like? See the link below.

https://www.braunability.com/wheelchair-accessible-suv/

We lost a beloved pet and I’m beyond sad. I’m getting a vehicle much better suited to my needs and I’m elated. I feel sickened by loss. I imagine all the places I want to go. I just don’t want to go anywhere. This is why I hate emotions.